Tales of a Masochistic Troubadour

Lyrics from ColdPlay's Fix You

When you try your best and you don't succeed,

When you get what you want but not what you need,

When you feel so tired but you just can't sleep,

Stuck in reverse.

 

When tears come streaming down your face,

When you lose something you can't replace,

When you love someone but it goes to waste,

Could it be worse.

 

Lights will guide you home,

And ignite your bones,

And I will try to fix you.

 

From high up above and down below,

When you love too much to let it go,

But if you never try then you'll never know,

Just what you're worth.

 

Lights will guide you home,

And ignite your bones,

And I will try to fix you.

 

Tears stream, down your face,

When you lose something you cannot replace.

Tears stream, down your face,

And I....

Tears stream, down your face,

I will promise you I will learn from my mistakes.

Tears stream, down your face,

And I....

 

Lights will guide you home,

And ignite your bones,

And I will try to fix you.

Thoughts on 07/04/26 - More on Fear

This has stuck with me for a while.  You can't get rid of fear, but you can master it.  Trust me...  I am deathly afraid of heights and yet I snowboard.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
--- Frank Herbert, Dune - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear

Thoughts on 07/04/20 - Not afraid of falling

"Why am I not afraid to fall? Because I trust in myself, trust that I have lived a good and honest life and because of that, God will take care of me. This trust is a gift. Let me share mine with you so that you may build your own."

I don't know where I've heard the quote "You cannot climb high if you're afraid of falling" or something like that.  I'll leave it up to the reader to figure out if they believe that or not.  I do.  Hell, if you've ever seen me on rollerblades or a snowboard, you know I fall HARD.

But I bounce back just as quickly.

I'm not afraid of taking risks because I know I can recover from them, I know I will learn from them.  Doens't mean I'll take stupid risks -riding an R1 as my first bike would be plain stupid - but I'm comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Taking risks is not easy for everyone.  Those who feel comfortable with taking risks are usually either insanely reckless, or have a security structure that can catch them.  I'm not insane, but I trust my support: the skills I have learned, the tools I have at my disposal, my family.  You'll notice that I use the terms skills, tools, etc. both metaphorically and literally.  I am thankful for these gifts such that I may stretch and grow.

This security can be shared as well...  if you want it, let me share mine with you.

... okay back to work ...

Wisdom and love

"It's impossible to be in love and wise at the same time" - Bob Dylan

Blessing in disguise...

Urghhh...  I think I'm finally on the mend, but in the past 2 days I've lost 4 lbs.  Compounded to the 4 lbs I've lost in the past two weeks...  Holee crap, I haven't been this light in a very long time.

But it's been a bit of a blessing too.  When you're feeling so incredibly sorry for yourself, it's kinda hard to feel sorry for someone else.  So it's possible for some of the more "unloving" feelings to arise.  It helps bring perspective, but I can't forget who I am and let the spite change me.

What an odd blessing....  argghhh  stomach still making noises.

Thoughts on 07/04/19 - Of beauty

"How can you be more beautiful when I already think you are the most beautiful person in the world?"

I read one quote somewhere that said, "Don't look for someone who finds you hot, look for someone who finds you beautiful."  That is so true.  There are a lot of hot people out there (and hot cars, hot bikes, etc. etc.); yeah they'll distract you for a second but it's the one you love that you can never take your eyes off, that you never get sick of, that can make your heart skip a beat.

Updates on 07/04/24

Updated: Of Purpose.

Still sick as a dog.  The rest of the body feels fine, but since I'm not absorbing a lot of nutrients, my body is very weak.  And not sleeping much either so my system is kinda whacked.

Not entirely sure if it was the right thing to do, considering that I was sick, but I met up with Reverand DP yesterday.  I have been washing my hands religiously so I think I should be okay.  I met up with him to talk about two things: 1) about how I can be more effective at CF as a board member; and 2) about my recent relevations about God.

For confidentiality reasons, I'm not at liberty to discuss the happenings at the CF board level.  I am on the right track but just need to apply a bit more patience...  okay, a LOT more patience.

With regards to the second discussion, that was very enlightening.  Basically he corroborated what I was thinking: I am well on the way there too and there is no doubt that what I'm experience is true and not just an implication of what's happening in my life right now.  We discussed churches, prayer, what is pride, roads to discovery, etc.  We talked about how I was asked to read John first and he was surprised since he found that was the hardest gospel to read.  I told him that I found it really really easy and his comment was that "if there ever was a sign, that is it."

I have been debating whether to write about this on my blog at all, no so much becuase I don't want people to know (in fact, it's rather relieving to make this commitment), but because I'm worried by what effect this may have on some people.  But the Reverand reminded me that I should be doing this for myself and leave the rest in God's hands.

Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of people in order to be noticed by them.  If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. Matthew 6:1

Your family, friends and fellows are all part of the gifts from God.  Sometimes you can hear Him directly.  Other times you don't and he tries to work through others.  They've all come out to help me, new and old.  I feel rather blessed right now.

Updates

From time to time I will go back to my old post and add something:

Thoughts on 07/04/17 - I am as blind as a bat.  Added a new passage.

I think I have caught what the rest of the family has.  It sucks.  I think I'm recovering, but boy, was I miserable.

Thoughts on 07/04/22 - What is Pride?

This is an issue I've been dwelling on for many many years.  What is Pride?  When is Humility real and when is it just a culturally enforced artificial behaviour?  Am I really Prideful?

I have been accused of being arrogant, but I don't feel it.  Why?  The simplest way to look at it is from the perspective of the sports I do: When I tell you I'm good at Ving Tsun or snowboarding, it's not because I'm boasting, it's because I've been testing this statement and while I am no where near the best, I know I am better than most people.  I don't settle on where I am and continue to seek and learn from all those who are better than me such that I can improve (trust me, my fellow practitioners know), and I'm more than happy to share it with you and help make you better such that you can teach me.  Is it prideful when you're stating fact?

Is it therefore humility when you deny fact?  There's a balance somewhere.

OKay, so I am a bit Prideful and could probably tone it down a bit.  Note taken.  I'm learning how to (more on that later).

So then what could Pride be?  Perhaps it is this:

Pride is:

• when you don't acknowledge what you have are Gifts and cherish them accordingly.
• overextending your Gifts and believing that they are greater than what He has given you.
• using your gifts for your own Glory and not His.

One of the reasons why I do so much is because I value these gifts and try to use them as much as possible.  Of course I've taken quite a beating in the process: physically, mentally and emotionally.  But that is what I need to do.

I'm still learning...  perhaps there is a good story somewhere to corroborate this?

Thoughts on 07/04/19 - Of purpose

"The sharpest sword is forged in the hottest fires, to be wield by the soldier and the General.  But the soldier must use care, for the sword cuts both ways."

I'll leave it to you to figure out what that means...

AMENDMENT ON 07/04/24:

For a few years now, I've none what my purpose is.  God has given me many many gifts, and I've known that my purpose is to use those gifts to serve Him in this world.  So if that is the case, why is taken me so long to complete my journey?

I've always had a sense that He's been saying "It's not the right time, you need spend some time honing yourself before you can come into my fold."  Like a sword that needs to be honed in the hottest fires.  I know that if I went into his fold any earlier, I would be a different person.  My feeling reverberates with the story of Paul: Paul needed to do what he did in order to become a more effective disciple of God.

Anyhow, the time is now.  He's been speaking to me so clearly it's actually kind of scary.  I can hear him saying "Dude, it's now your time.  Like what else do I need to do to you to let you know that it's your time."

I talk about being wielded by the soldier and the General.  The General is God.  But who is the soldier?  Unfortunately as a sword, I have a purpose but that purpose does not necessarily include happiness.  A sword is only effective if it cared for and loved for.  I though I had found her, but I'll leave that to His will.

But the sword does cut both ways.

Beginning on the parallel path... getting my lifeguarding license

It's been a longtime goal of mine, getting my lifeguarding certification.  Why?  Why not?

Anyhow, went swimming for the first time in a very long time today.  Thankfully all the hinges seem to be working fine again considering the damage that I've done to them in the past while.  I'm still a bit lobsided in my breast stroke but that has always been the case.  Still faster than most Sunday morning swimmers :-)

Thoughts on 07/04/18 - The Truth will set you free

"The Truth will set you free. But we all need help sometime to see it and to live it."

We've all heard the phrase "and the Truth shall set you free."  But I needed to add something to it...

When you know what is True, then you can make the right choices.  Unfortunately there are many traps along the way that conspire to undermine the Truth, making it near impossible for you to see clearly of live freely by yourself.  Fortunately the Dudes do have a plan and they've brought help.  Friends, family, the Dudes themselves, these are all helpers intended to give you the clarity you need.

Is there another lesson to be learned here about overstretching our domain?  Perhaps...  but that's for the reader to determine.

Thoughts on 07/04/19 & 20 - About love and trust

I've got so much written down that I can't do everything chronologically.  And some of it can't be written about quite yet.

I'll start with this:

"Love is about trusting that they will always be there to support you, that they will never force you to make a choice that you don't need to make and that you will always find a better solution together."

Here's an interesting one.  I think throughout life there will be a lot of times when you have conflicting decisions.  Let's start with something simple like "Should I go to so-and-so's b-day party or stay at home and spend time with him/her?"  I fundamentally believe that in a good relationship, your other half will always encourage you to do what's best.  That may not necessarily mean that you get what you want, but what's best for you.  And what makes you happy should make him/her happy too.  So therefore, you should never really need to compromise since you'll always arrive at the best choice for both of you!  Of course sometimes it's going to some discussion, but you should never feel like you had to unwillingly give something up.  That's just plain unsustainable.

As an adjunct to that, I'll add this:

"When the right person comes along, you won't ever have to be selfish again.  You can be completely generous and get everything you want in return."

It's about trusting that the other person always has your best intention in mind because they love you.

Thoughts on 07/04/14 - I have begun the journey I have been preparing for all my life

Unfortunately I have to leave this post a bit cryptic...  Perhaps I will have the opportunity to explain later.

One of the predictions I've made about myself has come true.  It's a journey I have been preparing for since I was very very young.  What I didn't anticipate was the actual way it would unfold.  The end results are the same so perhaps this was intended all along.

Either way, a quickening has happened.  It's coming really easily.  I am a bit scared at how everything is coming together.  But I am talking to a few people to help me understand this.

I feel blessed to be able to find this.

Thoughts on 07/04/17 - I am as blind as a bat

"What I can't see with my blind eyes, what I can't hear with my deaf ears, I can understand and accept with my heart and my mind."

This is really something more relavent to me, but it is applicable figuretively as well.  For those who know me, I'm as blind as a bat.  But perhaps this has let me see clearly.

I've been told that I'm a bit of an enlightened person.  I've recognised this as a gift...  I can see things very clearly.  Perhaps it's because I approach everything with love.  Who knows?  But it is a double edge sword; dealing with others can become challenging because it takes a lot of work to emphasise.

But I do understand...  it's part of seeing.  And everything is then a choice.

Sometimes trust not in facts, but listen to your heart and your head.  Listen carefully, listen clearly, or you may listen incorrectly.

AMENDMENT ON 07/04/23:

[The Holy Spirit said to Isaiah] 'Go to this people and say, "You will listen but never understand, and you wil look and look but never see!  For this people's heart has become dull, and their ears are hard of hearing, and they have shut their eyes so that they may never see with their eyes, and listen with their ears and understand with their heart and turn and let me heal them.'" - Act 28:1 (ISV)

Thoughts on 07/04/16 - "Don't marry the one you can live with, marry the one you cannot live without."

"Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without."  - James C. Dobson

I don't remember when I heard this quote.  I think it was on the TV.  But I do remember realising how ridiculously true it is and from that point on, it changed my whole outlook on relationships.

I don't think this quote needs a lot of explaining.

I do remember the first time I knew I was in love.  It was right after I almost killed myself on the racetrack.  I remember her crying and at that moment I became afraid of dying.  Afraid because I would never be able to see her again, to be with her, to take care of her.

I am no longer afraid.

It's the same reason I can't listen to the song "Last Kiss" (covered by Pearl Jam).  It hurts way too much.

PS: I don't agree with most of what Dobson is about.  But this quote works.

Thoughts on 07/04/16 - "Love is never having to say 'I'm sorry'" - Love Story

"Love is never having to say 'I'm sorry'" - Love Story

I've known this quote, but I've been spending a bit more time thinking about it.  Why is that the case?  Aren't there situations where you'd say you're sorry.

I always say apologise only if you think - with the knowledge you had at that point in time - you would have made a different choice.  If you would have made the same choice - and BTW, ignorance is no excuse - then you have nothing to be sorry about 'cause you did everything truthfully and right as you could possibly have done.

So back to saying sorry.  Perhaps for the little things... perhaps I say.  But not for the big things at least.  Why's that?  Well when you're truly in love, you're always thinking about the other person and being considerate of them.  So if that's the case, you're always making choices with everyone's best interest in mind.  So why would you say you're sorry?

Having said that, having heard the story of M & C from SC, I do sincerely apologise for one thing...  If I had the choice, and perhaps I still do, I would change what I've done.

Thoughts on 07/04/015 - BEAUTY

"Don't ever forget how beautiful and awesome you are. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise."

Crap, Friendster blew up so I have to re-write this all over again.

So this was one of my first thoughts. It was directed at someone but I think this is a general truth that everyone should remind themselves about. This is not about the type of self-affirmation that results in many disturbing American Idol auditions; this is about knowing who you are and truly believing in it.

Two songs come to mind when I look at this thought. The first song is Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful." Whether maliciously or not, there are a lot of people out there who, through their words or actions, start tearing down a person's self esteem. But those are just words; they don't change how awesome you are. Nevertheless the damage is done. I've talked to a lot of friends and they all agree... to repair this takes a lot of love and sacrifice. Damn those bad people.

The second song is Coldplay's "Fix You." In it there's a line "But if you never try then you'll never know, just what you're worth." I'll leave it to the reader to interpret that as they may.

Under what authority do I say all this stuff? Well apart from a ridiculous number of collaborative accounts, I am a teacher and a coach. My track record speaks for itself. I'm able to help because I genuinely believe in the potential of people. And this is one of the things I try to instill in the kids I teach as part of the Economics of Staying in School program: you can be whatever you want to be and have fun. I can't make you a champion snowboarder, but I can get you to a level where you're doing it really well and having a blast.

So yes you are as beautiful and awesome as you think you are. As beautiful and awesome as I think you are.

Re-starting my blog...

Not exactly sure if anyone will be reading this darned thing, but there's so much going through my head lately that I need to put it down on paper.  I can't say that I'm going through a good period in my life....  hopefully this blog is cathartic and will help me get through this.

So bear with me if this blog sounds a bit sappy.  I think most people have these thoughts but perhaps I can do my bit to coalesce them into something coherant.

- Alan